I understand One & Only Proposals + Special Events is all about bringing romance back to life. The girl behind it all is a hopeless romantic, a person in love with love. The vision of One & Only stemmed from being an idealist, a dreamer, imaginative and believing in the idea that there is a special someone out there for everyone. But, for the first time in a long time, I am going to be a realist and completely raw.
I am sure this feeling will soon pass, but right now, I find it hard to write and promote love and romance.
You see, shortly after launching One & Only, it was brought to my attention that a couple that is near and dear to my heart was on the verge of divorce. Since I am a problem solver, and hopeful romantic, I stepped in and tried to make things better. Trying my best to understand both sides and why it is that it got to this point. I became the middle man and it wore me down emotionally. Every day I put the biggest fake smile on my face (because who would recognize me if I didn't?). It was awful. I realized, unfortunately it was not my relationship to fix and removed myself from the situation completely. Hardest thing I have ever done. I moved into my own place. A place that I could call mine. A sanctuary, an escape from the past year.
I was finally in a great place again. Never been happier. Ready for a New Year to start and open to endless possibilities. It was then that I was open to the idea of letting someone in again.
After my 5 year relationship, I was single for three years. I had dated over those three years, but it seemed like I always picked the men who were emotionally unavailable, or I ran from anyone that was willing to offer me the world. I was finally ready to let someone in.
New Years hit and I figured it was time. New Year - new me. We all get that New Years lift! This certain individual tried to woo me for some time so in the New Year I finally decided to give him a shot. It was wonderful at the beginning. The butterflies were there, he made an effort with my friends and my family, told me the things I wanted to hear, and did things for me that made me excited to see where the relationship was going.
But that's when the red flags started going up. My girlfriend said she didn't get a great feeling from him. One minute he was loving, and the next, pushing me away. 'Thank Yous' were a rare occurrence. Somehow I was always in the wrong. It seemed like I was the only one apologizing. The optimist I am, I thought I would let it fly. I put that fake smile on my face again and told myself everything was okay. But it seemed like no matter what I did in the relationship, it was never right and it was never enough. I caught myself becoming silent, even when angry, just to keep peace. I stuck through until endless lies were revealed and I ended things.
I wanted something real. And boy did I ever feel real... all the signs of emotionally abusive real.
I look back now and laugh (*shakes head*) because my gut was telling me to run one month in. I pushed that emotion to the side. I wanted my heart (not my head or my gut) to guide me for once. But, as real as this situation was to encounter, I am glad to have experienced it. Now I can relay this message in the hopes that it will trigger someone in a similar relationship to get out before you think you're the problem.
After all the arguments and put downs, you start believing that you're not worth any more than the abuse. Know this is simply a manipulation tactic and way to justify the abuse. You're not crazy or the problem. You're worth so much more and I hope you know that.
It's something you can so easily get caught up in. If you or someone you know is in a relationship similar to the one mentioned above (or worse), know there are so many support systems out there. You're not in this alone <3
- One & Only - Even if we have never met, I am always here to lend an ear or shoulder
- The Distress Center
- Calgary Women's Emergency Shelter
- Calgary Counselling Centre
- Woods Homes
- Calgary Immigrant Women’s Association
- YWCA of Calgary
Your soon to be again,
Hopeless Romantic Female Hitch Xx